The longest 4 days of my LIFE

Okay, gentle readers, grab some snacks and get settled in because if this post is as long as my weekend was, you'll need sustenance to get through it.

Wednesday my daughter turned 5. And I think the DIVA gene kicks fully in on this day because my precocious little darling went full swing into DIVA mode at this point. We gave her the choice of where she wanted to eat her birthday dinner, and of course she picks the swankiest restaurant in town (but keep in mind this is Columbus, GA, we are not talking the MGM Grand here) where kids are seen but not heard, and that is definitely NOT my child.

Anyhow, I rushed away from work to make it to dinner and my ex and my family had already been seated by the time I got there. My fiance was not yet there but on his way. As I approached the table, it turned out we were sitting at the table next to my ex boyfriend (the one in between my ex and my current fiance) and his current girlfriend and Katie was just all over him (she had not seen him in a good while.) So I got to have a good awkward dinner with all 3 of the men from all 3 of my serious relationships ever. And I had to drive home so I had to endure it sober.

Thursday I had to go shopping for "The Party" with my mother. I swear to God her doctor removed her ovaries and didn't tell her. That's the only explanation for how my mother has been behaving. Oh. My. God... I had no fingernails left by the end of the day and I was so frustrated I had started plucking the little baby hairs that grow around my hairline. And I only did it with my right hand so I look like I have a lopsided hairline.

I think part of her problem is that she has Adult ADD so she doesn't like to stand still. I did not inherit this from her. Anyhow, she has adult ADD and has been ordered to do nothing more strenuous than walking for 3 weeks. So she has been wanting to do all this stuff and can't. So since she can't, I'm expected to. And when I can't keep up, she gets downright mean and all but tells me I'm a lazy screwup that can't do anything right. So it takes every ounce of self-control for me not to push her out of a moving vehicle, or just pull over on the interstate and tell her to WALK HOME since I can't drive right, can't plan out my route so I don't cross my own path, etc...

Also, even though there has been like 8 or 9 people at our house at any given moment, whenever she wants something done, my name is the only one that comes out of her mouth. And GOD FORBID I suggest that anyone else help her, because that means there is something wrong with me.

And it's only Thursday...

Friday I had promised to watch the children of a friend of mine who just managed to get a job after being unemployed for a while because she had a rough pregnancy, followed by a baby with digestive problems, etc... So of course when I'm headed out the door, mom throws the mother of all hissy fits because I'm leaving and "The Party" is the next day and we just have so much to do. As if it won't be me doing everything at the last minute either way. What a joke.

So I watch the kids, run to my old apartment to bake the cakes since my cake supplies are still there, and I wrap presents while I'm waiting for the cakes to bake. Mom calls. I die a little inside. She wants pizza and she wants it now!! Get the cakes out of the oven and bring me food now!! So the cakes actually look like they could come out of the oven, but forget them getting time to cool off, I pack them in a box, still in their hot pans and throw them in the car. I grab the pizza and almost get pulled over for speeding twice trying to get them to her.

I get to the house and realize that I have to go back to my apartment because I was in such a hurry that I forgot my cake decorating supplies. Mom freaks and I have a meltdown. I screamed and cried and yelled and stormed out of the house. I called my fiance and totally took it out on him which made me feel better. I got what I needed and I headed back to the house.

When I got there mom ad dad had gone. THANK GOD!! My ex came to the door and tried to console me and hug me. I punched him in the chest and told him not to be nice to me, that was the last thing I needed. He was a dick when I married him, could he please not try and turn over a new leaf in the middle of my mental split?!?

Mom came back and ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. She asked me what was wrong. I was seriously speechless. It was at that moment I realized that she had been possessed by Satan. Either that or God was fucking with me and knew just what buttons to push. I spent the rest of the night screaming at everyone and crying if anyone so much as looked at me cross-eyed. I was up until 3:30 am getting ready for "The Party."

At 6am, after her long night of sleep mom woke me up after my 2 1/2 hours. It was the day of "The Party" and I had cooking and decorating to do. Because I'm living with Satan's helper and sharing a house with 3 of the most useless, lazy men placed on this earth, it all came down to me.

Fortunately, my interfering cousin showed up in the nick of time to take things over. I let her. Usually I would never let a stranger into my kitchen and let them tell me what to do, but my spirit had been pretty much crushed. I made my first (but certainly not my last) cocktail of the day and let her have at it. Of course then she got all of the credit for all the hard work that went into "The Party" but at this point I quit caring about everything but sleep and liquor.

My mother got a drink and someone tried to chastise her for drinking so soon after her operation. I tiold them to shut up or I would maul them with a broken bottle. Let the battleaxe get drunk. If we are lucky she wll pass out until Monday after I have left for work.

My future in-laws showed up. I got another drink.

My ex felt compelled to start forcing his opinions on how "we" are raising "our" daughter on me
(despite the fact that "we" is "me" for 51 weeks of the year.) I got another drink.

My Nanny (father's mother) showed up and complained about the hot weather and cold food. I got another drink.

My mother's mother and father showed up. I got another drink.

By the end of the day I was miserable. The only good thing that came out of the day was that Katie had a blast and had a really good birthday. My ex was gone before the party was over, and we didn't run out of booze.

Sunday I slept. All day. I took my mom to one of her friend's house to get her out of my hair and I went home and slept. Katie crawled on top of me from time to time, but bless her little heart she let me sleep.

Next year mom can throw the party. I am on birthday party strike until further notice.